Thursday, May 10, 2012

God of War III (PS3)

God of War III is stupid.  It is really really stupid.  Kratos is consumed with a need for a revenge.  A need so strong he will kill EVERY LIVING THING.  This is not play for a moral message.  This is played as to be AWESOME.

The game begins in the middle of something huge.  Kratos is on a Titan climbing towards mount Olympus.  Apparently shit is going to get real.  You and the titan on a macro and micro scale start fighting Poseidon.  Your chain blades pass straight through his water crabhorsedragon body like it was on noclip.  There's on friction to that attack.  On hard mode I hit the enemy and it kind of blinked and it hit me and I flew in the air.  I never felt any friction or connection to a fight that was supposed to be AWESOME.  Then there are like the mook enemies and you hit like 20 of them and it doesn't feel like you're doing anything.

Then I saw from a first person perspective eyes getting jabbed out.  That was Kratos making orange juice with Poseidon.  He then fell to Earth and flooded the world.  Good job Asshole. I totally want Kratos to be real and come to my birthday party.  Then he can Revenge everyone I know because VENGENCE and AWESOME.

Then there's a like a sex minigame?

This shit is embarrassing.  I mean the game.  Andrew Toups did say it better than I did when he was talking about the prequel more than 5 years ago.

Oh it was completely hilarious when I could just stand in place for 5 seconds while the boss (on hard) did an AWESOME attack that had no chance of hitting me.

Okamiden (DS) and Pure Bladestone

Hey blog how you doing!

I got about 3 hours into the original Okami.  I quit because the game didn't just hold my hand-it told me exactly what to do- then congratulate me on doing it.  I had just got an ability to revitalize the world.  Before I got the chance to try it on a random tree in the overworld (after using it on a special tree in a dungeon) the game said, "hey maybe you should try our new ability on these trees!"

Nope!  Time to GO HOME.

So while I was in airports and on airplanes I tried Okamiden.  The handholding was lessened just enough that I could enjoy the actual game.  The problem was the actual game.  It looked quite stunning for a DS game, incredibly close to it's PS2 counterpart.  The dog was a cute (it was a dog.)  The puzzles were complete nonpuzzles.  Stand on the switch.  Have your partner stand on the switch.  Uh... draw a path for your partner to stand on the switch.

The boss battles were okay, but there's no friction to the combat.  There's no technique either.  You jam the attack button.  Occasionally you draw with the stylus.  Even an hour into the game the random enemies were just tedious.  This partly had to do with them being separate from the overworld/dungeon.  After a dungeon that went on for way way too long I quit.

Then I spent 4 days farming in Demon's Souls for a Pure Bladestone.  I spent hours and hours.  I looked at forums online and yelled horrible obscenities at the people that got it an hour.  Or a day.  Or 2 days.  I got my friends also doing runs.  It's no doubt the rarest item in the game.  After the first day it became a vicious white whale that consumed me.  I had to do it.  My brain couldn't let go.

The weird part is I did this exact same thing about 2 years ago.

It only drops from one (two) enemy in one level.  I got it down to where I could make a run in a little over a minute. I sat there for hours doing runs.  Talking with friends on Skype.  Or my friends were talking, I'd occasionally gasp at my own utter insanity.  I debated putting it on my resume.  "Able to do a repetitive task for hours for fictional reward." 

I got one and proceeded to do what I had planed.  Demon's Souls servers are shutting down at the end of this month.  That means the online component is gone, which is more than 60% of why the game is so good.  So my group and I cheated, duped the most precious item in the game and then proceed to invade other people's games at starting character levels.

There are a lot of new players that are really really awful.  Often they're in full armor, which means they die in 3 hits instead of 2 against bosses, and they can't roll.  Rolling is how you survive in DS.  Most of these players don't even know we are there to kill them.  They want our help.  We give it, because some of them are completely helpless.  Other times we'll be stupendous jackasses to them.

So far my best story is attacking a player with a weapon I can't wield.  It deals 1 damage to them.  They are casting magic at close range (bad idea.)  After being silly and getting to the point where I will die in one hit from them, I switched to a real weapon.  2 hits brought them down to a sliver of life.  They started running.  or uh..put their back to me.  Never put your back to a black phantom.  That's the main rule in Demon's Souls.  Never put your back to a black phantom.  They will stab you in the back.  I stabbed him in the back.